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Message to soccer humbugs: Kick-off

Wouldn’t it be fun to sic Luis Suarez on Ann Coulter? Luis Suarez is the Uruguayan striker-vampire just banned from international soccer for four months

Wouldn’t it be fun to sic Luis Suarez on Ann Coulter?

Luis Suarez is the Uruguayan striker-vampire just banned from international soccer for four months for biting an Italian defender.

Ann Coulter (please, let there be readers who don’t know who she is!) is the conservative columnist and provocateur who has been trash-talking the sport of soccer while our boys are in harm’s way in Brazil (find your own links!).

While Coulter is in the disturbed minority, there is a crosscurrent of anti-soccer propaganda slushing around during this World Cup. The gist of it is that soccer is foreign, not American.

The proper response to that is: So? Americans didn’t invent hunting and fishing either.

Decompressing from the U.S.-Germany game last night, I watched a few minutes of the NBA draft on ESPN. And guess what? Basketball is foreign too, now.

Indeed, 15 of the 60 players selected last night were from foreign countries and alien landmasses. We've got Croats, Serbs, Greeks and an Australian.

Get this: the top choice of the whole draft, Andrew Wiggins, is Canadian. So was last year's top pick, aye.

We invented basketball so shouldn’t we be banning foreign players? Or should we just bear this burden of shame like lead high-tops?

But hard to pronounce names are the least of basketball’s problems. (Can you pronounce Don-ald Ster-ling?)

My complaint with the NBA (well, my biggest one), is that you can’t be a fan anymore without an MBA and working knowledge of contract law.  The whole salary cap thing is crazy complicated.  

And the basic activity of a fan – at least fans of the Chicago mindset – is to daydream about who your team can sign, draft or trade for to be better next year. You can’t do that in basketball without a spreadsheet. 

Since the fall of the Iron Curtain, the NHL has become entirely cosmopolitan. Pity the announcers. Baseball, too. Only football attracts very few foreign players. I suspect teams will recruit more abroad as American mothers try to protect the brain function of their children.

Part of being an American fan is rooting for the underdog, which is precisely why most Americans don’t consider Yankees fans Americans.

We are soccer underdogs. Our kids play soccer in huge numbers now. It is unpatriotic not to pull for the American team in Brazil.

Actually, maybe Donald Sterling is the better match for Ann Coulter.

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